What the Sandman says: “You should go to the gym today. You’re starting to look a little chunky.”

What the Sandman means: “I’ve noticed that you seem quite depressed lately. Getting some exercise will boost the feel good chemicals in your brain and hopefully make you feel a bit better.”

Good thing I speak fluent Richard.



You know you have real friends when they sit patiently with you as you cry. When they cry with you because they cannot change things, but wish that they could. When they acknowledge that the situation is terrible and all they have to offer are hugs and condolences. When they ask if there is anything else they can do to help besides offer hugs and condolences. And you ask them to help you figure out how to work your scanner. And they tell you to read the fucking manual.

Those are real friends.


The Panic

One month and one day today.

The panic comes in waves of intensity, but is always there to some degree. I made a start on opening the sympathy cards, but had to stop shortly after I started because it made it too real. The panic surged; I went back to bed for a while. That is my comfort zone. Where I would go to be with Joey when he was still here.

It feels like someone has ripped my heart from my chest and torn it into a thousand pieces. That is how I was doing for most of the day and how I am doing most days.

Tonight I made my first meal just for me. That is huge. Depressing, but huge.



My thoughts are with my peeps in Clearwater today. Thank you for putting another tribute together. I know it will be beautiful and special with a little funny mixed in; just like Joey. If I had it in me, I would be there with you. I’m sorry I’m not ready. Once was too much; I can’t handle any more.

I love you guys so, so much.



I’ve been spending a bit of time away from PR recently. Being home is difficult. So was being some of the places I went to visit. Sometimes, being in Vancouver is too. There are certain places that I am avoiding because it’s too painful. I need a breather before I go home and start dealing with my life again, so that’s what I’m trying to take right now. This doesn’t mean that I have been able to escape the reality of what happened; just that I am trying to give my brain a chance to process it in really tiny pieces because frankly, that’s all I can handle. I’m having a hard time even handling that.

Do not have any expectations of me right now. If I can get out of bed for a bit it is a good day. Sometimes I don’t; that’s when I appreciate my peeps who are able to climb in with me and tell me that it’s okay to react this way to such an unbelievably shitty situation.

I am not myself now, nor will I be for a while. I’m not sure who I am anymore.